The idea that forgiveness is something you do for someone else results from the perception of power as the ability to manipulate and control. The unconscious intention behind not forgiving is to cause pain in someone you feel caused pain in you, and thereby alter his or her behavior. This never works because the origins of your emotional pain are inside you. When you choose not to forgive, you inflict pain upon yourself. Not forgiving is like trying to cause someone else pain by breaking your fingers. You are the one who is hurting when you do not forgive. There is nothing healing, nurturing, or even slightly positive about not forgiving.

Not forgiving is holding someone else responsible for your experiences. The emotional pains that you feel can be created only by parts of your own personality, not parts of someone else’s personality. Other people can activate these parts of your personality, such as the part that will not forgive. They can treat you cruelly, abuse you, even torture you, but only parts of your own personality can create your emotional experiences, including your painful emotional experiences. The longer you blame others or circumstances for these experiences, the longer you experience them.

Forgiving is something that you do for yourself. When you forgive, you stop holding others responsible for your emotional experiences. You step into a position of power because you cannot control others, but you can choose within yourself between the parts of your personality that create emotional pain and the parts that create experiences of gratitude, appreciation, contentment, and joy. Sometimes the pain is so great that an individual cannot find the strength to forgive. In these times, it is enough that she or he pray for the elevated perception, the Light, the Grace, to forgive. It will come.

In all cases, the healing dynamic of forgiveness requires you to look inside yourself instead of outside yourself for the causes of your emotional pain, and challenge them by not acting on their justified anger and righteous rigidity and acting instead from the most healthy and wholesome parts of your personality that you can access in that moment. Forgiving requires you to change yourself for the better instead of blaming. It requires you to heal. Forgiving is consciously choosing to leave behind the prisons and torments of your fears. It is also the creation of authentic power.


  • Published: May 16, 2013
  • Filed in: Blog


  1. morningflame says:

    My journey has been long. I was raised in what I can only describe as a prisoner of war camp! My stepfather terrorized me for 14 years. I can only describe forgiveness….as a gift…..from a God of my understanding. You can’t make it happen, think it into happening, write it in words… takes time, work, faith, and an open heart. It comes only when we are ready…..(Spirit’s timing is perfect)….not a moment before! It’s like a huge wave of warmth and love washes the blackness from the soul! With it comes new memories, understanding, growth, and finally…….LOVE!!

  2. seekerofsource says:

    Forgiveness of parents who subjected me to things a little girl should never see is hard. I’m 61. Still disgusts me. And now at age 81, she needs me. And I give that help. But not with any, ANY compassion. I’m numb. My soul feels calloused when I’m with her. That being said….I’ve recently seen a silver lining….they taught me what I DIDN’T want for my own children, now ages 39 and 37. They would tell you what a wonderful childhood they had and their only complaint is that it wasn’t long enough! So, I’m leaning heavy on that. Still, I cannot seem to find where to “put” my mother, emotionally. My dad is deceased. Thoughts? I hate who I become when I’m with her.

    1. mys natty says:

      Wow ,I have walked with my anger and anguish towards my parents for so long. I have had emdr therapy to help with the worst of it and I cannot recommend it enough. I had tried so many other things but could not shift the exhausting feelings and resorted to numbing myself. Releasing even a bit of it feels so good like I had more air to breathe. What’s done is done, the best I could do was allow myself the deepest healing, I know I deserve a life of lightness and joy. I also took on board how I certainly did not want any of that suffering for my children and give them as much love as I can. they are three precious gifts and fill my days with laughter. Are we not blessed despite the pain!
      Sending you heartfelt love light and laughter wishing you healing and release

  3. Cschoombe says:

    Thank you for these words of wisdom, Gary. It has come at a perfect time in my life.

    Much love
    Christiaan Schoombee

  4. Silverhealer says:

    I spend a day a week as a volunteer therapist at my local hospice, giving reiki to patients with cancer and other serious conditions. This week I was asked to sit for quite some time with a man whose 9-year diagnosis of cancer had just taken a very serious turn for the worse. His wife had been desperately trying to gain some understanding of what is happening to them by reading spiritual development books, while he, though ready, as so many cancer sufferers are, to try new things, was struggling with some long-embedded attitudes. He was particularly distressed by some apparently random grunting, shouting vocalisations which had begun to enter his speech – he said to me’ It’s like I have Tourettes; it’s come out of nowhere!’

    I was able to sit quietly with his wife for a while. She has had Reiki from me before and wanted to talk with someone she felt she could open up to. She talked about their marriage – her first, his third. I had commented earlier on how loving they seemed together. She agreed that that he was a wonderful husband to her, but said that he carried a great deal of guilt and negative feelings around his previous marriages, that his jaw would clench on the rare occasions when the topic was raised. I said to her that I had already suspected that the ‘Tourettes’ was an expression of a great deal of anger and pain he could not hold in any more. I said that this was his journey, not hers

    I could write a great deal more about this, but I won’t, as this is not the place. My learning from my own life, as well as this and many other encounters with people in distress, has been:

    Be real, be authentic – if you have anger, acknowledge it, look at it and see where it comes from, what is driving it and what it can tell you about your life; find a way to express it in a way which is safe for yourself and others. Don’t sit on it because it’s socially unacceptable (something often taught to children at an early age), don’t deny it because you or people around you have an image of spiritual development as a sort of cartoon Zen Master who’s far too lofty to be touched by such things. Don’t go to the other extreme and hang onto the bad stuff that has happened to you to use as a way of controlling others. You can really forgive yourself and others when you have an understanding of what you are trying to forgive. you are not the anger – it is something which can pass through you and you can let go of once it has served its purpose.

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